The Curious Wooing of Severus Snape
by EroSenin'sDeciplesKJT
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart is in love with our favorite potion's master. Snape of course, isn't interested. Or rather, he doesn't take Lockhart seriously. What steps will our genius Lockhart go through to get Snape to love him? Well...see for yourself.


AN: I was bored and this is the result of said boredom at work. It makes no sense...or rather, it makes sense to me. An unlikely pairing but I had fun with it so enjoy It's more amusing than anything else.

**Pairing:** _Lockhart/Snape_

**Rating:** _M (Mild language, sex)_

**Concepts:** _Humor, Fluff, Adult concepts, Silliness._ Oh and it's AU but just a little. Ignores **CoS**.

* * *

Severus Snape did not like anybody…that is, until he was finally wooed in a curious manner by none other than Gilderoy Lockhart. One could almost say he hated people in general but that didn't stop his aggressive love interest. It all started on a night like any other night at Hogwarts…

As Snape looked over his dinner at the tables aligned in the Great Hall he could not help but sneer at the table decorated in gold. He heard a loud, obnoxious laugh and it took everything he had not to hex the person responsible. He cut his eye to his right meeting the eyes of the one causing such a stir. It was Dumbledore's second attempt at a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart though Snape would hardly call him a professor. Just last week when they created said Dueling Club Snape merely used a disarming charm flustering the man til he turned all shades of red or pink. Snape scoffed. _And to think that guy wanted to take me out afterwards! _Snape scoffed as he recalled their conversation after they dismissed everyone.

"That Potter's a parselmouth huh? Who'd a thunk it?"

"And to think you actually know what a parselmouth is," Snape replied dryly. Lockhart turned to him with a wry smile on his face.

"You'd be surprised at the things I know Severus."

"I'm sure. Unless there's anything else I need to get going. I have a stack of parchments on Gillyweed that I need to give failing grades." Severus swept past Lockhart not bothering to wait for a response.

"Wait Severus. Actually, there is something you can do for me." Snape swept around, his eyebrow quirked curiously.

"What?" Lockhart slowly approached him his grin growing wider with every step concerning the potion's master. He stopped just a few inches from Snape grinning down at him with his perfect teeth.

"Go out with me." Snape just stared at him for the longest time, his expression totally bored. He suddenly whipped out his wand pointing it at Lockhart's chest. "Whoa! Hey! Wait just a second!" he stammered.

"Did you just ask me out?"

"I…well, yes I did."

"Were you joking?"

"No."

"Cru—

"_Expelliarmus!"_ Snape's wand went flying in the air landing gracefully in Lockhart's hand. Snape scowled.

"Hand me my wand." Lockhart grinned his cheesy grin as he stepped closer to the disgruntled raven haired potion's master.

"I'd really like to take you out. Show you a good time since I'm sure it's been ages since you've had fun." Lockhart usually meant well but everything just seemed to come out wrong. Feeling very insulted, Snape drew back punching him square in the jaw. Snape picked his wand up off the floor, stuck it inside his robe and hurried off towards the dungeons.

That was two weeks ago and everyday since then Lockhart has been asking for a date. Snape sighed. If this was a joke it wasn't very funny anymore. Lockhart was a very handsome man. Even he knew that but seriously. Why would something (since Snape's convinced he's inhuman) like Lockhart have any interest in someone like him, especially when he had gorgeous women throwing themselves at him? Snape rose to his feet dismissing himself from the Great Hall. He immediately retreated to his home in the dungeons. He was tired. It had been a long, uneventful day unless you counted the six cauldrons Longbottom blew up trying to brew the simplest of potions. Severus rid himself of his clothing opting for something a little more comfortable. After taking a hot shower, he decided on some silk boxers then curled up on his bed to read. He hadn't been on the bed long before he was interrupted by the crackling of the fire in his fireplace. He scowled as the flames turned a deep shade of green alerting him that he was about to have a visitor. If it wasn't for the possibility of it being Dumbledore, he would have hexed the flames in that very instant. He watched and waited for his visitor to appear.

"Oh no," he groaned. Out of the flames came a very naked Gilderoy Lockhart…well, naked-ish. Naked-ish because he was wearing a mini skirt made of fig leaves that were barely covering his member. It was all Snape could do not to put the killing curse on him. Lockhart stepped out of the fireplace grinning over at Snape.

"Good evening my favorite potion's master. How are you tonight?" Snape just continued to stare at him at a lost for words. For starters, he was trying to figure out why he was wearing those ridiculous fig leaves even though his body was quite the sight to see. Long and lean is what he was with very defined abs. His beautiful, wavy blonde hair only complimented the most illuminating set of blue eyes Snape had ever seen. But that wasn't nearly enough to distract him from his anger at having been disturbed.

"What do you want Lockhart? I haven't the patience to deal with you this evening."

"Oh come now Severus. Don't you like what you see?" he smirked. "I know I like what I see." Snape rose to his feet whipping out his wand in the process. He pointed long slender stick at Lockhart's chest glaring angrily at him.

"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked.

"No it's not. I told you once before that I wasn't joking. What makes you think I'm joking now?"

"Just wanted to make sure before I hex you."

"Now, now wait a second Severus. Hear me out," he stammered, his hands raised in an attempt to shield his face. Last time he got punched in the face for no good reason and he didn't wish to experience a repeat. Severus lowered his wand pointing it right at the place between his legs.

"Talk." Lockhart looked around the dungeons nervously half wishing he'd chosen a more subtle approach but subtly was never his thing so he had to make due for now. He smiled.

"Well uh…nice place you got here."

"Get to the point you fool!" Snape snapped. Lockhart jumped at the sudden outburst from his beloved half wondering how someone could be so angry all the time. He supposed it's because Snape wasn't loved as a child. Lockhart suddenly reached out to clasp Snape's hands. The raven haired man looked up, his eye twitching out of frustration, waiting for the opportune time to put himself out of his misery. Lockhart raised Snape's hands to his lips kissing the back of them.

"Oh Severus! Please be mine!" he pleaded. "I'll do anything for you my love. I am convinced that you are my better half. My ying for your yang. My sugar for your tea. My manliness for your womanliness!" That did it. Snape's wand went off sending Lockhart flying backwards onto Snape's bed with a soft thud. He sat up to compose himself until he realized he was in Severus' bed. He smiled. "So does this mean you want to skip dating and get straight to third base?" Snape's glare told him all he needed to know.

"Stup—

"_Expelliarmus!"_ Lockhart shouted. Once again, Snape's wand was sent flying through the air landing on Snape's bed near Lockhart. The handsome blonde picked up Snape's wand and started making his way towards the fireplace. "I'll return this tomorrow night. Hopefully you'll be in a far better mood." And with that he was gone.

Three days passed and Snape found himself still wand less. Lockhart still hadn't bothered to return the wand and Snape refused to beg him for it. And why should he? He never begged for a thing in his life…well except a job at Hogwarts. Sometimes he often wondered if it was worth it to begin with, especially since his life was just as boring and depressing as ever. He brushed the thought as he headed for the Room of Requirement. It was the only other place besides the dungeons where he could be alone to think. One…two…three times he walked by and the door suddenly appeared. When he walked inside the room however, was not how he expected it to be. In fact, it was far from what he expected. There was a small square table in the middle of the room decorated with a green and silver table cloth. A single candle was lit in the middle and beside the table sat a tray holding several covered dishes. On the right side of the room was a huge bed covered with a beautiful sparkling canopy. Snape's nose twitched a little when he whiffed something that smelled oddly like a badly brewed Joyous Drought Potion. A part of Snape told him to just turn around and leave but he was curious now. Just what exactly had that idiot planned this time? Severus rid himself of his cloak feeling slightly more tired than he was earlier. He brushed the thought thinking Lockhart couldn't possibly be capable of brewing such a potion.

He walked towards the candle lit table taking a seat. He wasn't sure if the dinner was for him though at the moment he couldn't care less. As he stared at the flame dancing before him, he became vaguely aware of the hands pressing down on his shoulders kneading away all the tension in his muscles. He was so caught up in the feeling that he never realized that is arms were raised and his shirt was being pulled off of him. His assaulter pulled him to his feet guiding his hands across the soft flesh of his bare back. Snape leaned into the touch moaning when he felt his flesh being sucked around his neck. He was suddenly spun around and his lips were taken without a moment's hesitation. Warm tongue explored his cavern fiercely making his head spin. The hands slid down his sides and in between his legs rubbing at his clothed member. Feeling slightly violated in his disillusioned state, Snape pushed away from his assaulter. He looked up to see a very hurt looking Lockhart staring at him longingly.

"Severus, please don't make me stop," he pleaded. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to get this room exactly the way I wanted it?"

"What the…_hell_…did you do to me? What's…in that…potion?" he slurred. He started to walk forward but his legs gave way sending him sailing into Lockhart's arms. Lockhart decided that he best not tell Snape that it was an aphrodisiac given to him by Minerva so he pretended to ignore him as he led him towards the canopied bed. That potion was hard to come by. He could recall just how he managed to come by it too.

It seemed like it was just yesterday even though it was like a week ago. He'd been leaving Snape chocolates everyday only to hear about him tossing them to skrewts at the end of each day. It broke his heart to hear this bit of news and he sat at the staff table crying his eyes out. The headmaster and his Minerva could no longer stand his crying episode and offered to help him with his troubles.

"There's nothing you can do," Lockhart cried. "He'll never take me seriously!" He sat up and blew his nose on a hanky given to him by Minerva. When he was done, he shoved it back into her hand and proceeded to cry his awfully annoying cry again. Minerva cast the headmaster a 'what the fuck' look. Neither one had the slightest clue what to do about this. Actually, Dumbledore had an idea but he just didn't want to go there. However, it was either help him or listen to his God awful crying all day. He chose the lesser of two evils. He cleared his throat.

"There, there my brilliant Lockhart. What pathetic soul is insulting every ounce of your perfect intelligence by giving you the snub?" he asked politely.

"It's Severus!" he cried. "I love him! God I think I love him but he won't take a chance with me! I've tried asking him on dates, buying him candy…I even visited his room late at night in the nude but he still won't look at me with flames of passion like I do for him! What am I doing wrong? Am I not pretty enough for such a perfect being?" It took everything Minerva had not to laugh out loud but she had tears in her eyes to prove her amusement. She opened her mouth several times to respond but for fear of laughing she kept it shut. Dumbledore managed to suppress his laughter and continued on as if un-amused.

"I see," he replied. "Have you tried drugging him?" Lockhart looked up with a shocked expression on his face.

"Drug him? But…But isn't that…_immoral?_" he asked.

"Not really," Dumbledore shrugged. "Especially if it's used on Snape."

"Well…no. I guess I never thought of that."

"Then there ya go. Drug him and he'll be at your mercy."

"But I want him to love me. Not just…"

"Oh I know but you have to take it one step at a time," Albus urged. Lockhart wrinkled his brow for a moment as if in deep thought. After seemingly deciding that Dumbledore was giving him good advice, he smiled.

"So how do go about drugging him? He's a potion's master so wouldn't he suspect something?"

"Yes but the drug will take effect before he can do anything about it."

"O…k. So how do I get this drug?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled under his moon specs which made Minerva raise a brow out of concern.

"Well Gilderoy. It won't be easy getting the ingredients but if you really love him—

"Oh I do!" he exclaimed. Dumbledore fixed his specs.

"Well then. Let's start with the first ingredient. You can find it somewhere in the lake out back…"

And what a time he had getting it. First of all he had to bribe Ronald Weasley into stealing from Snape's personal cabinet. It wasn't easy but in the end he settled on a new wand and some chocolate frogs. After he retrieved said 'Gillyweed', he had to dive into the lake and get a scale from one of the mere people. It was hard considering they tried to rape him, rubbing their scaly bodies up next to him. It took him almost three hours (he went through three Gilly plants) to get the stupid scale only to find out later that he could have actually stolen a scale from Snape's private storage. (Ron forgot to tell him that there were scales in there.) The next step for the potion required him to dance drunk and naked for Sybil, Minerva, Filch and Madame Hooch to the song 'Touch Myself'. He wanted to ask how this would pertain to the potion but he knew they'd never deceive him so he let it go. All of this took two days and on the third day, he was to start brewing the potion. Since Lockhart was never really good at potions in school, he had to woo a pretty young Gryffindor into doing it for him. All she asked for in return was a few dozen pictures signed to her, a kiss in front of Ronald and Harry (for some odd reason) and a date ending in pretend sex which he figured wouldn't harm a poor young girl trying to find herself in the world. (She never made it pass the kissing stage.)

Finally, after brewing for three days, the potion was ready and he set to work on finding the perfect setting for his love making. He paced the halls for God only knows how long and then a door appeared. Out of nowhere the answer to all his prayers – and it came fully equipped as well! Oh he just couldn't wait to put the perfect evening in action. And so here he was, though it moved a lot quicker than expected. He managed to get Snape's trousers off revealing a semi erect member exciting him to no end. He quickly took hold of it covering it with his mouth. Snape seemed to perk up at this, his hips thrusting forward in response. Lockhart didn't want to ruin the moment so he took his time sucking his beloved until he could fill his liquids dripping down his throat.

"Mn…don't stop," Snape breathed though he probably thought he was dreaming. Gilderoy was only too happy too oblige lapping at his member like a hungry little wolf. He hummed and took Severus deeper into his mouth until Snape cummed hard throwing his head back against the linen. The potion's master laid back against the sheets, his eyes glazed over from a combination of the potion and his orgasm. Lockhart watched his beautifully sculpted chest as it moved up and down with his breathing. After staring for all of five minutes he somehow managed to move covering his beloved with his body. He kissed around his neck, sucked his nipples raw, then covered his lips again distracting him with a kiss as he slid a finger or two inside him. Snape whimpered from the pain but it lasted just seconds as Lockhart found his sweet spot quickly.

"I love you Severus," he whispered. Snape's eyes suddenly went wide, but Lockhart gave him no time to respond. He quickly thrust inside him, muffling his loud cry with a kiss. He moved in and out of Snape slowly relishing the feeling as Snape's body caved into him. Snape whimpered and moaned underneath him beautifully, his sexy raven colored hair sticking to the side of his pale skin. Lockhart buried his face in Snape's neck licking the tender flesh while his lover began arching into him, the pleasure now overwhelming for him. He felt Snape's arms wrapped around his back and he picked up the pace, thrusting deeper and harder into his beloved.

"Oh God!" Snape breathed. He was about to cum all over again but not alone. Lockhart had reached his peak as well. With one final thrust, he cried out his lover's name spilling himself inside of him. He collapsed on top of the delirious potion's master feeling quite pleased with himself. He half expected to roll over with his love in his arms and fall into a deep sleep but that was not the case. At some point during their lovemaking, the potion wore off of Severus and he was now more alert than ever before. The next thing Lockhart knew, he was being thrown against a wall half way across the room. When he finally come to, Snape was standing over him fully dressed with a wand pointed at his member.

"Now, now wait a second Severus. Let me explain—

"If you wasn't so good in bed, I'd blast it right off this instant but since you managed to – and I can't believe the words are escaping my lips – please me beyond all my resolve, I'll let it slide this time. Yes, I'll go out with you next Friday. No, I will not sleep with you for an entire month. No, I will not treat you nice especially in public and no, you cannot share a room with me. Do I love you? I need to think about it. Am I impressed with you? Yes I am. Good night Gilderoy. I expect your next date to be half as good if not better than this one without the assistance of an aphrodisiac." And with that he was gone.

That is how Gilderoy Lockhart managed to woo the starky potion's master. Today, the two of them are together and in love. To anyone observing the relationship from the outside, it might seem a bit one-sided but trust me. They are happier than ever though if you ask Snape what he was thinking, he'd probably respond with something along the lines of 'He's good in bed' and 'At least he loves me for me'. Which is the truth.

_Fin….at least for now. O.O_


End file.
